For a relationship to culminate in a successful and committed long-term union, it must recognize, understand, and go through a five-step relationship-building process.
The five steps necessary for a long-term relationship
The path from initial introduction to a committed long-term relationship goes through five separate relationship stages: (1) Step 1: The Transition Relationship, (2) Step 2: The Recreational Relationship, (3) Step 3: The Commitment previous Relationship, (4) Step 4: The Committed Relationship, and (5) Step 5: The Marital Relationship. (For a discussion of recreational, pre-committed, and committed relationships, see David Steele, conscious quotes, (Campbell, CA, RCN Press, 2008). For the classic description of a pre-committed relationship, see David Steele, conscious quotes(Campbell, CA, RCN Press, 2008, 301-319).
This article addresses the third step in the relationship building process, Step 3: The Pre-Committed Relationship.
the pre-committed Relationship is time for logical analysis
While the recreational relationship highlights the contribution of your heart and intuition, the precommitted relationship highlights the role logic plays in building a relationship.
A pre-committed relationship focuses on systematically determining whether the basic requirements for a long-term relationship will be met.
Objective and motivation. The goal of a pre-committed relationship is to decide if someone is a “good fit.” The source of motivation that drives a pre-committed relationship is the question, “Will a life with this person give me what I want?” require in a long-term relationship?
The roles that you and your partner play. Both you and your partner are expected to be a willing and able to talk openly about what you each need in a long-term relationship.
the nature of a pre-committed relationship. The “feel” in the pre-commitment stage is one of focused consideration and logical analysis. You are very clear about your non-negotiable requirements for a long-term relationship and determine if the relationship with your partner can meet. everybody your requirements
requirements for a relationship
The heart of the pre-engage step is knowing and communicating your requirements to your partner.
A requirement is something that have to be provided by your partner if the relationship is to work. Steele uses the analogy for a requirement of air, water, and food as requirements to sustain life in the human body. The absence of even one of the three would result in death. Similarly, the absence of even one thing that you consider a requirement for a relationship will sooner or later end the relationship. (David Steele, conscious quotes(Campbell, CA, RCN Press, 2008, p. 90).
Potential problems with a pre-committed relationship
The two most common ways we fail at the pre-commit step are (1) we don’t know what our requirements are or do not realize how important is to respect their need, and (2) we just skip this step entirely and go straight to the committed relationship step, as if we can sense each other’s needs. we can not
Not identifying and testing your non-negotiable requirements. After my first divorce, a friend wanted to “fix” me. He asked me what I wanted in a potential partner. I told her I needed (1) someone who had been divorced before, so she could empathize with what I had been through, and (2) someone who had children, so she wouldn’t feel threatened by my fatherly love. That list of two requirements turned out to be a good place to start, but it left another 5 or 6 that I was unaware of at the time and that ultimately caused my second marriage to fail.
Skip it completely. During the recreational relationship everything feels good. It’s feel as if you were in a committed relationship. Also feel as if they are so in tune with each other that there is no need to discuss their requirements and, in fact, raising the issue would be downright insulting to their partner. So you don’t even broach the subject. You just ride the euphoria telling yourself that you have found the perfect match, your soulmate, and skipping the pre-engagement step is no problem.
This is a dangerous roll of the dice. Every once in a while it works out. Most of the time it doesn’t. Never discussing requirements or jumping directly from a recreational relationship to a committed relationship seriously threatens the success of your relationship.
So what is the point?
Make sure that do time to identify your needs – everybody from them. Then she stubbornly insists that they both share them with each other.
Then, and this is the hard part, spend an extended period of time together (often 12-18 months) to make sure that you and your partner’s requirements can really be met in a mutual relationship.
This is where most marriages that fail can be traced back to the cause. Take the pre-committed step seriously. The future of your relationship depends on it.
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