How can I accept that my boyfriend refuses not to masturbate when I’m in the next room / his reaction when I tell him that he hurt my feelings and made me feel unwanted?

Additional info: We’ve been together for about 9 months and we still don’t live together. The other night my boyfriend (30F) (24M) and I were lying in bed together and he got up to masturbate in the bathroom. It made me feel very uncomfortable and honestly very sad that he would rather cum using his hand and with other women (porn) than with me when I’m right next to him and *always* not just willing, but wanting, and with zero expectation of reciprocity. . I’m well aware that they don’t owe me sex or anything like that, of course. I thought it might be an attraction problem, or maybe he’s not satisfied with our sex life (we have sex or I give him a blowjob probably 4-5 times a week), and he never has a problem having an orgasm or staying hard or anything. . like this, and he constantly tells me that I am the most beautiful woman in the world, etc., etc. masturbating for when I’m not. I also asked him to be honest with me and asked if it was an attraction problem or if he was not satisfied with our sex life and that he wouldn’t offend me. I just wanted to have an open and honest discussion about it, but he denied doing so. any problems with attraction or compliance. I wasn’t rude or demanding in any way, I just told him that my feelings were hurt and that I know this probably seems unsafe and I’m aware of that, but if you could please just don’t do it when I’m 8 feet away from him . I honestly hoped he would apologize and say that he wouldn’t do it anymore when I was in the other room and that would be the end of the conversation. Instead, he told me that masturbating is “as normal a bodily function as breathing or eating” and that he “refused to be ashamed of something so normal, and did absolutely nothing wrong doing it while I was in the next room and he I was not going to stop for my own good and I shouldn’t have to.” I was really taken aback. He essentially told me that I’m “irrational for asking him not to when I’m around.” I don’t feel like not wanting my boyfriend to pick up other women when I’m in the next room is irrational at all. I told him that I don’t think he did anything “wrong”, but that he couldn’t help how he made me feel. He said something to the effect that “my insecurities are the root cause of my hurt feelings and this is incredibly unfair to ask of you.” It’s not like he’s asking him to never masturbate or ever use porn again, just when I’m not in earshot, and I don’t understand why it’s such an irrational question/boundary. He wishes he didn’t bother me, he really wishes he didn’t. He then told me that asking her not to masturbate when I’m in the next room is “a major red flag and it’s controlling.” I can understand why he might be irritated by my feelings, but controlling…? I’m willing to bet that most women would be uncomfortable or a little hurt by his partner masturbating with other women in the next room. another woman next to me is “controller”. After trying my best to explain to him where she came from, he finally said, “Whatever, man, I won’t do it then, but it’s unhealthy and controlling.” So now it’s gotten to a point where this isn’t about jerking off in the next room anymore, but now I’m more annoyed by his reaction and his call to check on me over a very valid request to spare my hurt feelings when I never have called controller in my life. She also said a few other things that really pushed me further away, like arguing with me is “exhausting, more so than any woman before me” (this is only the third argument we’ve had in our relationship in 9 months) and when I told her that I felt like he was telling me that expressing my feelings honestly is “exhausting” for him, he only got angrier. I felt like he couldn’t really win and now I feel even worse. The fact that he feels *so* strongly about being able to date other women when I’m in the next room to the point of calling me controlling unfortunately makes me wonder what other crazy things (imo) he’s going to call “controlling” or what other real and valid feelings I’m going to share with him that he finds “exhausting”. It’s making me reconsider the relationship, which really sucks because we really believe we’re each other’s soul mate and I really love him. So my questions are: – How can I get over my hurt feelings about his wanting to jerk off in the next room? Obviously I understand that men jerk off and it’s healthy to do so, but I don’t understand the *need* to do so when I’m around – am I really being “controlling” “and I don’t realize? I’m not really trying to control what you do, I just wanted to let you know that it hurts my feelings and makes me feel undesirable. Whether those feelings are “valid s “for him or not, I feel like I shouldn’t be able to express my feelings without him thinking I’m trying to control what he does. Is his insistence on masturbating in the next room a worrying sign of something else/bigger? In general, he masturbates very infrequently, maybe once every few weeks (which, honestly, is what made it even weirder that he had to do it in the next room and couldn’t wait a few hours until me out), so I don’t think it’s a porn addiction/addiction problem. I think porn can really affect a relationship and skew people’s views and expectations around sex and intimacy. I don’t like porn at all, but I understand if you need it when I’m not around, even if I feel uncomfortable with it. How can I get over him calling me controlling and exhausting, and his reaction being really harsh when I tell him I’m honest about my hurt feelings? I want to be able to get over this and move on with the relationship, but this seems like a big deal to me. I have a feeling this is now going to cause resentment on both sides. TL; DR: My boyfriend got out of bed with me the other night to jerk off to porn in the bathroom ten feet away from me. I expressed that my feelings were hurt and asked him to please not masturbate in the next room when I was around. I have no problem with him masturbating if I’m not around. He told me that he was controlling him and that it’s okay for him to masturbate when I’m around and that I shouldn’t have to stop him to avoid my feelings/insecurities. I never told him that what he did was “wrong”, I just wanted him to know that he made me feel unwanted and hurt. His reaction was so over the top about *needing* to be able to jerk off when I’m around that I feel even worse now, and more about his reaction and calling me controlling than what he actually does.

Additional info: We’ve been together for about 9 months and we still don’t live together. The other night my boyfriend (30F) (24M) and I were lying in bed together and he got up to masturbate in the bathroom. It made me feel very uncomfortable and honestly very sad that he would rather cum using his hand and with other women (porn) than with me when I’m right next to him and *always* not just willing, but wanting, and with zero expectation of reciprocity. . I’m well aware that they don’t owe me sex or anything like that, of course. I thought it might be an attraction problem, or maybe he’s not satisfied with our sex life (we have sex or I give him a blowjob probably 4-5 times a week), and he never has a problem having an orgasm or staying hard or anything. . like this, and he constantly tells me that I am the most beautiful woman in the world, etc., etc. masturbating for when I’m not. I also asked him to be honest with me and asked if it was an attraction problem or if he was not satisfied with our sex life and that he wouldn’t offend me. I just wanted to have an open and honest discussion about it, but he denied doing so. any problems with attraction or compliance. I wasn’t rude or demanding in any way, I just told him that my feelings were hurt and that I know this probably seems unsafe and I’m aware of that, but if you could please just don’t do it when I’m 8 feet away from him . I honestly hoped he would apologize and say that he wouldn’t do it anymore when I was in the other room and that would be the end of the conversation. Instead, he told me that masturbating is “as normal a bodily function as breathing or eating” and that he “refused to be ashamed of something so normal, and did absolutely nothing wrong doing it while I was in the next room and he I was not going to stop for my own good and I shouldn’t have to.” I was really taken aback. He essentially told me that I’m “irrational for asking him not to when I’m around.” I don’t feel like not wanting my boyfriend to pick up other women when I’m in the next room is irrational at all. I told him that I don’t think he did anything “wrong”, but that he couldn’t help how he made me feel. He said something to the effect that “my insecurities are the root cause of my hurt feelings and this is incredibly unfair to ask of you.” It’s not like he’s asking him to never masturbate or ever use porn again, just when I’m not in earshot, and I don’t understand why it’s such an irrational question/boundary. He wishes he didn’t bother me, he really wishes he didn’t. He then told me that asking her not to masturbate when I’m in the next room is “a major red flag and it’s controlling.” I can understand why he might be irritated by my feelings, but controlling…? I’m willing to bet that most women would be uncomfortable or a little hurt by his partner masturbating with other women in the next room. another woman next to me is “controller”. After trying my best to explain to him where she came from, he finally said, “Whatever, man, I won’t do it then, but it’s unhealthy and controlling.” So now it’s gotten to a point where this isn’t about jerking off in the next room anymore, but now I’m more annoyed by his reaction and his call to check on me over a very valid request to spare my hurt feelings when I never have called controller in my life. She also said a few other things that really pushed me further away, like arguing with me is “exhausting, more so than any woman before me” (this is only the third argument we’ve had in our relationship in 9 months) and when I told her that I felt like he was telling me that expressing my feelings honestly is “exhausting” for him, he only got angrier. I felt like he couldn’t really win and now I feel even worse. The fact that he feels *so* strongly about being able to date other women when I’m in the next room to the point of calling me controlling unfortunately makes me wonder what other crazy things (imo) he’s going to call “controlling” or what other real and valid feelings I’m going to share with him that he finds “exhausting”. It’s making me reconsider the relationship, which really sucks because we really believe we’re each other’s soul mate and I really love him. So my questions are: – How can I get over my hurt feelings about his wanting to jerk off in the next room? Obviously I understand that men jerk off and it’s healthy to do so, but I don’t understand the *need* to do so when I’m around – am I really being “controlling” “and I don’t realize? I’m not really trying to control what you do, I just wanted to let you know that it hurts my feelings and makes me feel undesirable. Whether those feelings are “valid s “for him or not, I feel like I shouldn’t be able to express my feelings without him thinking I’m trying to control what he does. Is his insistence on masturbating in the next room a worrying sign of something else/bigger? In general, he masturbates very infrequently, maybe once every few weeks (which, honestly, is what made it even weirder that he had to do it in the next room and couldn’t wait a few hours until me out), so I don’t think it’s a porn addiction/addiction problem. I think porn can really affect a relationship and skew people’s views and expectations around sex and intimacy. I don’t like porn at all, but I understand if you need it when I’m not around, even if I feel uncomfortable with it. How can I get over him calling me controlling and exhausting, and his reaction being really harsh when I tell him I’m honest about my hurt feelings? I want to be able to get over this and move on with the relationship, but this seems like a big deal to me. I have a feeling this is now going to cause resentment on both sides. TL; DR: My boyfriend got out of bed with me the other night to jerk off to porn in the bathroom ten feet away from me. I expressed that my feelings were hurt and asked him to please not masturbate in the next room when I was around. I have no problem with him masturbating if I’m not around. He told me that he was controlling him and that it’s okay for him to masturbate when I’m around and that I shouldn’t have to stop him to avoid my feelings/insecurities. I never told him that what he did was “wrong”, I just wanted him to know that he made me feel unwanted and hurt. His reaction was so over the top about *needing* to be able to jerk off when I’m around that I feel even worse now, and more about his reaction and calling me controlling than what he actually does.

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