Looking for suggestions on how to approach my mom about all the things she did to me when I was little?

I [M36] I have always had a very difficult relationship with my mother [F61] and was treated very unfairly by her growing up. Spanking was common and frequent, and although this was not uncommon for the time, it was very frequent and for whatever reason. My dad[M63] I worked most of the day while my mother was a housewife since I was 5 years old. He didn’t have much of a say in the relationship or what happened to us. In order not to dwell too much on specific things that happened, I will give just a few examples to show a picture of the type of behavior I am talking about: When I was 8 years old, I had never taken the bus alone. My mom dropped me off at catechism and told me to take the bus home. When I asked him which bus to take, where was the bus stop, where to get off, he gave me some money and said “just go with the other children, they will all take the bus home and you go with them (the other children were a years older than me and this was their second year.) He also said, “Don’t walk home because I don’t want you to cross.”[dangerous intersection]”When it was time to go home, all the kids in my area said they were walking home (about a 30 minute walk), so I told them I had to take the bus and they told me where the bus stop was I had no idea which bus to take and asked people which bus would take me to the “mall” (this was a great landmark halfway to my house and easy to remember). After someone pointed to a bus saying “this one goes to the mall” I got on the bus and got off at the mall, but I still had to walk home the rest of the way (20 minutes or so). When I got home my mother walked in panicked because the other kids were home and I wasn’t. When I started to explain to him and said I had to jump off the bus at the mall, he wouldn’t even let me finish telling him what happened and proceeded to spank me for taking the wrong bus and worry her. Things like this (many, many times) c It continued to happen until I was 16 years old and I got a job during the day and high school at night, so I only saw her a few hours a week. after that, we never really built a relationship. I continued to work during the day and study at night until I graduated from college (not in the United States, so I lived at home while attending college). Even when he wasn’t physically abusing me, he never provided me with any kind of emotional connection. I don’t remember her ever smiling in our house, only when she went out and met other people. After watching an episode of “The Sopranos”, I asked my sisters the same question from the show [F29] [F34] – “Do you have any good memories of mom when she was a child?” – They both said “no, they had never thought about it, but they didn’t have good memories of her as a child”. However, from my mother’s perspective, we had a normal mother-child relationship in which she had to “educate” me. We never had a fight or argument, I moved one day and got on with my life. Now I have a wife and two children and I get constant complaints that “I don’t call enough” or “I don’t care enough” about her. My sisters now have a much better relationship with her and I want to give her the opportunity to see my children more often and maybe have a little more contact, but I only want to do so if she recognizes her past behavior and understands that she has a second chance – This is for my own sanity, I don’t want us to pretend that she never did all the things she did. I’m going to see her in person for the first time in a long time next week and I plan to address it with her. My plan is to ask him “how do you feel today about all the things you did to me”. Most likely he will say that these were the times etc and I plan on saying again “how do you feel about it today, not then”. I’m not looking for specific answers from her, I don’t expect her to say that she was wrong or that she feels bad, but rather to say how she feels today. I am looking for advice on how else I can approach this. TLDR: My mother treated me very badly growing up, physically and emotionally. Now I want to give her a chance to reconnect, but not without her acknowledging what happened in the past.

I [M36] I have always had a very difficult relationship with my mother [F61] and was treated very unfairly by her growing up. Spanking was common and frequent, and although this was not uncommon for the time, it was very frequent and for whatever reason. My dad[M63] I worked most of the day while my mother was a housewife since I was 5 years old. He didn’t have much of a say in the relationship or what happened to us. In order not to dwell too much on specific things that happened, I will give just a few examples to show a picture of the type of behavior I am talking about: When I was 8 years old, I had never taken the bus alone. My mom dropped me off at catechism and told me to take the bus home. When I asked him which bus to take, where was the bus stop, where to get off, he gave me some money and said “just go with the other children, they will all take the bus home and you go with them (the other children were a years older than me and this was their second year.) He also said, “Don’t walk home because I don’t want you to cross.”[dangerous intersection]”When it was time to go home, all the kids in my area said they were walking home (about a 30 minute walk), so I told them I had to take the bus and they told me where the bus stop was I had no idea which bus to take and asked people which bus would take me to the “mall” (this was a great landmark halfway to my house and easy to remember). After someone pointed to a bus saying “this one goes to the mall” I got on the bus and got off at the mall, but I still had to walk home the rest of the way (20 minutes or so). When I got home my mother walked in panicked because the other kids were home and I wasn’t. When I started to explain to him and said I had to jump off the bus at the mall, he wouldn’t even let me finish telling him what happened and proceeded to spank me for taking the wrong bus and worry her. Things like this (many, many times) c It continued to happen until I was 16 years old and I got a job during the day and high school at night, so I only saw her a few hours a week. after that, we never really built a relationship. I continued to work during the day and study at night until I graduated from college (not in the United States, so I lived at home while attending college). Even when he wasn’t physically abusing me, he never provided me with any kind of emotional connection. I don’t remember her ever smiling in our house, only when she went out and met other people. After watching an episode of “The Sopranos”, I asked my sisters the same question from the show [F29] [F34] – “Do you have any good memories of mom when she was a child?” – They both said “no, they had never thought about it, but they didn’t have good memories of her as a child”. However, from my mother’s perspective, we had a normal mother-child relationship in which she had to “educate” me. We never had a fight or argument, I moved one day and got on with my life. Now I have a wife and two children and I get constant complaints that “I don’t call enough” or “I don’t care enough” about her. My sisters now have a much better relationship with her and I want to give her the opportunity to see my children more often and maybe have a little more contact, but I only want to do so if she recognizes her past behavior and understands that she has a second chance – This is for my own sanity, I don’t want us to pretend that she never did all the things she did. I’m going to see her in person for the first time in a long time next week and I plan to address it with her. My plan is to ask him “how do you feel today about all the things you did to me”. Most likely he will say that these were the times etc and I plan on saying again “how do you feel about it today, not then”. I’m not looking for specific answers from her, I don’t expect her to say that she was wrong or that she feels bad, but rather to say how she feels today. I am looking for advice on how else I can approach this. TLDR: My mother treated me very badly growing up, physically and emotionally. Now I want to give her a chance to reconnect, but not without her acknowledging what happened in the past.

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