Me [25F] boyfriend [26M] ashamed of my past

For a bit of context, I met my boyfriend when I was 16 years old. He was the first one and since he was very young, I asked him to be FWB because he didn’t really understand relationships. We were FWB for 2 years and we were exclusive. I fell in love with him and asked him for more but he told me that he was not ready for a relationship… 2 weeks later he had a girlfriend. He would sometimes talk to me when they were on break (I’m not really proud of that, he was young and in love). They separated 2 years ago, he contacted me to see me. He apologized for everything and said that the biggest mistake he made was not having a relationship with me and he said that he wanted to be with me. But during those 2 years he always told me that he wasn’t sure and that he couldn’t have a relationship with me because of my past. We still talked on the phone every day, we saw each other very often, etc. But he never said it was a serious relationship. About my past, he used to have no self-confidence and he didn’t really value me. I haven’t slept with that many people but around 5-6 people. He was the first and then I did foreplay (without sex) with a boy he had a crush on and then I had 2 relationships. I also had a threesome… with a girl and a boy. I’m not proud of it, but it was an experience. 2 years ago, before my boyfriend contacted me, I became good friends with an ex-friend of his. He had also stopped talking to my boyfriend because of a disagreement. So, it’s been at least 3 or 4 years since they stopped talking and 6 years since my now boyfriend was in a relationship with his ex. That’s also when that ex-friend started acting weird and making moves on me. One day we were in his car, he kissed me and we had sex. That happened again a few weeks later, but we never spoke again (I felt super pressured by this guy, but let’s not talk about it). My boyfriend knew quite a bit about everything except the guy I did foreplay with when he was 17 and the threesome when he was 22. The first thing I didn’t tell him about because honestly I had forgotten…and the threesome I just didn’t feel comfortable with. He has always been very insistent on knowing my past and always insisted on knowing every detail of it. But he has also been very critical about it. When I told him about his ex-friend, he insulted me and called me an idiot. He has called me disgusting because I have done things with people that he didn’t see me in a relationship with. Note that he too has slept with about the same number of people and some were just hookups too. The only difference is that he hasn’t had a threesome, so I find his judgment a bit hypocritical. A few weeks ago he asked me to be his girlfriend. He was so happy about it that I thought we were finally putting everything in the past. That week I started getting weird symptoms like a UTI so I talked to him about it. I test myself before/after each partner and I don’t use condoms with him. I told him that he was in severe pain and his reaction was “My God, how about I give you something”. So I asked him if he had ever done anything without a condom with anyone and he told me no, I just kissed someone a year ago. But she knew he was lying. That night I went to a club with some friends and met a random girl. She started talking to me and it turned out that she was talking to my boyfriend for 2 weeks before we got together and the day before she told me that he wanted something serious with me, they did things. I confronted him about it. He wasn’t mad that he did things with someone else, but he was mad that he lied to me… Fast forward to last week, we were in the car. He was going to Cancun in one day with 2 friends. He told me that he had a nightmare where I did things with other guys and didn’t tell him about it. And he told me that he really cares about those things and he asked me if there is anything that he hasn’t told him. In my head I thought that he was not going to judge me and I thought that he was mature enough to understand that we all have a past. So I told him about the threesome. And he was so grossed out that he said to me, “What are people going to think of you? My honor is so important to me,” he said, “This is bullshit, would your mother be proud of you?” “There are boys who leave the girls.” For less than this do you think someone is going to accept this?” He was so bad with me that I had a panic attack. He left me at home and we talked the day before he left for Cancun. He said he wanted to try to get over it and that he wanted stay with me. He is in Cancun now, and he called me 2 days ago while I was there to tell me “I love you, you are the love of my life”. He says let’s leave the toxicity and leave everything behind. To which I agreed. But then he says “oh So is there something else?” As if I agreed. And to show him how toxic it was, I asked him back because to me he was clearly projecting. And he told me he had sex with someone about a year ago the second time he met her. met. At this point, the only thing I didn’t know was the guy I did foreplay with at 17 (because I had forgotten about it). That guy I did stuff with the first time I met him. So I told him about it, and called me disgusting, “how can you do things with someone the first time you meet them?”, “I’m a boy, so he’s less bad”, etc… but then we made up. and he said that he still wanted to try. Yesterday he called me drunk, and he said, “Oh, I never should have come here, they’re all DTF, it’s a mess.” And then he started insulting me? Every time he tried to talk he told me “shut your mouth you disgust me”, “you don’t value me, you don’t even value yourself” and I asked him if he wanted to continue with this relationship and he told me that he doesn’t know . Today he texted me and he didn’t remember this conversation… he said that he was angry because of the things that I had done. respect for my past. I told him that I would not tolerate him talking to me in a disrespectful way drunk or not. And I will not tolerate your bringing up my past against me again. If he wants to talk about it, fine. But do it with respect. he said that he cannot guarantee that this will not happen again and that he is afraid it will happen again. I told him that being afraid shows me that he is not in control of his emotions and reactions. If he wants to end this because we have different values, so be it, but my past isn’t going to change… I just don’t know how to approach this anymore. I really love him and want to be with him but I don’t know how to change his mind… Any advice is really appreciated. tl:dr The boyfriend is not sure about us because of my sexual past

For a bit of context, I met my boyfriend when I was 16 years old. He was the first one and since he was very young, I asked him to be FWB because he didn’t really understand relationships. We were FWB for 2 years and we were exclusive. I fell in love with him and asked him for more but he told me that he was not ready for a relationship… 2 weeks later he had a girlfriend. He would sometimes talk to me when they were on break (I’m not really proud of that, he was young and in love). They separated 2 years ago, he contacted me to see me. He apologized for everything and said that the biggest mistake he made was not having a relationship with me and he said that he wanted to be with me. But during those 2 years he always told me that he wasn’t sure and that he couldn’t have a relationship with me because of my past. We still talked on the phone every day, we saw each other very often, etc. But he never said it was a serious relationship. About my past, he used to have no self-confidence and he didn’t really value me. I haven’t slept with that many people but around 5-6 people. He was the first and then I did foreplay (without sex) with a boy he had a crush on and then I had 2 relationships. I also had a threesome… with a girl and a boy. I’m not proud of it, but it was an experience. 2 years ago, before my boyfriend contacted me, I became good friends with an ex-friend of his. He had also stopped talking to my boyfriend because of a disagreement. So, it’s been at least 3 or 4 years since they stopped talking and 6 years since my now boyfriend was in a relationship with his ex. That’s also when that ex-friend started acting weird and making moves on me. One day we were in his car, he kissed me and we had sex. That happened again a few weeks later, but we never spoke again (I felt super pressured by this guy, but let’s not talk about it). My boyfriend knew quite a bit about everything except the guy I did foreplay with when he was 17 and the threesome when he was 22. The first thing I didn’t tell him about because honestly I had forgotten…and the threesome I just didn’t feel comfortable with. He has always been very insistent on knowing my past and always insisted on knowing every detail of it. But he has also been very critical about it. When I told him about his ex-friend, he insulted me and called me an idiot. He has called me disgusting because I have done things with people that he didn’t see me in a relationship with. Note that he too has slept with about the same number of people and some were just hookups too. The only difference is that he hasn’t had a threesome, so I find his judgment a bit hypocritical. A few weeks ago he asked me to be his girlfriend. He was so happy about it that I thought we were finally putting everything in the past. That week I started getting weird symptoms like a UTI so I talked to him about it. I test myself before/after each partner and I don’t use condoms with him. I told him that he was in severe pain and his reaction was “My God, how about I give you something”. So I asked him if he had ever done anything without a condom with anyone and he told me no, I just kissed someone a year ago. But she knew he was lying. That night I went to a club with some friends and met a random girl. She started talking to me and it turned out that she was talking to my boyfriend for 2 weeks before we got together and the day before she told me that he wanted something serious with me, they did things. I confronted him about it. He wasn’t mad that he did things with someone else, but he was mad that he lied to me… Fast forward to last week, we were in the car. He was going to Cancun in one day with 2 friends. He told me that he had a nightmare where I did things with other guys and didn’t tell him about it. And he told me that he really cares about those things and he asked me if there is anything that he hasn’t told him. In my head I thought that he was not going to judge me and I thought that he was mature enough to understand that we all have a past. So I told him about the threesome. And he was so grossed out that he said to me, “What are people going to think of you? My honor is so important to me,” he said, “This is bullshit, would your mother be proud of you?” “There are boys who leave the girls.” For less than this do you think someone is going to accept this?” He was so bad with me that I had a panic attack. He left me at home and we talked the day before he left for Cancun. He said he wanted to try to get over it and that he wanted stay with me. He is in Cancun now, and he called me 2 days ago while I was there to tell me “I love you, you are the love of my life”. He says let’s leave the toxicity and leave everything behind. To which I agreed. But then he says “oh So is there something else?” As if I agreed. And to show him how toxic it was, I asked him back because to me he was clearly projecting. And he told me he had sex with someone about a year ago the second time he met her. met. At this point, the only thing I didn’t know was the guy I did foreplay with at 17 (because I had forgotten about it). That guy I did stuff with the first time I met him. So I told him about it, and called me disgusting, “how can you do things with someone the first time you meet them?”, “I’m a boy, so he’s less bad”, etc… but then we made up. and he said that he still wanted to try. Yesterday he called me drunk, and he said, “Oh, I never should have come here, they’re all DTF, it’s a mess.” And then he started insulting me? Every time he tried to talk he told me “shut your mouth you disgust me”, “you don’t value me, you don’t even value yourself” and I asked him if he wanted to continue with this relationship and he told me that he doesn’t know . Today he texted me and he didn’t remember this conversation… he said that he was angry because of the things that I had done. respect for my past. I told him that I would not tolerate him talking to me in a disrespectful way drunk or not. And I will not tolerate your bringing up my past against me again. If he wants to talk about it, fine. But do it with respect. he said that he cannot guarantee that this will not happen again and that he is afraid it will happen again. I told him that being afraid shows me that he is not in control of his emotions and reactions. If he wants to end this because we have different values, so be it, but my past isn’t going to change… I just don’t know how to approach this anymore. I really love him and want to be with him but I don’t know how to change his mind… Any advice is really appreciated. tl:dr The boyfriend is not sure about us because of my sexual past

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