My (34F) husband (33M) had an appointment with our live-in nanny (19F) while I was out of town.

TL; DR My husband had a 24-hour appointment with our live-in nanny while I was out of town. They were together until 5 in the morning! They went to a show, on a scooter, from bar to bar and even took photos together in a photo booth. He spent $1,000 during their weekend together and repeatedly lied to my face about what they did. As a result we are separated, both he and she moved, we lost childcare, we lost our new home we were about to close including 30k. He blew up our entire life. However, he is so upset. He is constantly crying and asking for forgiveness. Why is he gassing me so much? Can someone give me the outside view and tell me what the play is here? Why don’t you let me go easily at this point? I had to know this wasn’t going to be okay with me. What is the point of this game? – Together 8 years, married for 5. After several miscarriages, we have our rainbow baby! She is 11 months old and she is perfect! We have had all of the expected relationship challenges that come with new parenthood. I would certainly say we were in a slump, but we’ve been through slumps before. This seemed like it would be much more rewarding as it is our first parenting hurdle together. I had a much needed trip planned to visit my best friend. She lives out of state, near my husband’s hometown, so it was going to be a quick trip. Friday afternoon to Monday morning. I had to run back to tour our new house. We only have two weeks left to close our new build! I don’t hear from my husband most of the weekend, which is common but strange now that we have a baby and I’m traveling alone with her. I text her Sunday morning and ask how her weekend was. He says that he and the babysitter went to a comedy show on Saturday night. And I’m like, “you two? Only? That’s weird.” He replies, “She’s the babysitter!” “You know her!” “Come on!” “She lives with us!” “You two hang out all the time!” “No nothing happened!” “You’ve let her drink before at family gatherings” Obviously this is all weird to me. I confront him directly and he turns off his phone. Completely out until the next day! Until Monday morning. At this point, I don’t know what’s going on, but I know enough I tell him my flight leaves that afternoon and he’d better be gone by the time I get home He asks what we’re going to do about babysitting and says she’s upset. “Nothing happened!” Again I tell him he doesn’t need to be home when I get there. He says she’s sad but he understands. She writes these fake apology notes saying she shouldn’t have hung out without me and unbeknownst to me. She hopes we can continue to grow in happiness. My husband says nothing happened with the babysitter! They had a few pas, they went to a comedy show and returned to the house. I’m so sorry I didn’t see it from my perspective! We do the tour. I wake up the next morning and nothing feels right. I check our bank account and discover that they spent over $1,000 the weekend I was away. Multiple trips to the liquor store, an Uber downtown and back, the comedy show I knew…and then 7 bars on 6th Street! “7 bars?!!?!!” “I told you we had a few drinks. No one goes on a comedy show and comes straight home. I told you we were late home on Uber. Nothing happened.” “You told me you had a few drinks! Why would I infer that means going from bar to bar for hours with an underage girl? Why would I infer that?” Which makes me think of the times, I go back to our bank account and see that they went downtown for the first comedy show, they toured the city on scooters, they went to the aforementioned 7 bars, including a dueling piano bar and a game bar. They also paid for a photo booth. How romantic! THEN they order an Uber delivery at 4:38 AM. The bars here close at 2! They order their first Uber at 4:38 AM and then they cancel it and pay the $5 fee. Their cancellation address is directly outside a hotel. Then they walk a few blocks and call another Uber at 5:13 AM. Again, the bars close at 2 AM. He still claims that they were innocently waiting on the street. They just couldn’t get an Uber! After being confronted with direct evidence of his lies, he continued to lie to my face for more than 30 hours. He told me the truth little by little, he told me a little truth at the same time. The truth is that I am currently in yours q You didn’t think of it as a date! Hears! We spend every weekend with her! It’s not a big deal for him to take a 19-year-old by himself and on scooters and from bar to bar. It wasn’t until the end of the night that they started flirting. Then there was a light holding of the hand. He grabbed her hip and his arm. And he rested his head on his lap while he waited in the street. At that time, he gallantly told her that he couldn’t go any further. And he would be honorably sitting in the front seat of the Uber and not in the back with her. They then return to our house and sleep on opposite sides of the couch. (My brother-in-law found them) They wake up the next morning, he sends me a short text, then turns off his phone. They order pizza together and decide they won’t tell me; after all, nothing happened. They then spend the day recovering together. Even order a rental movie on my Amazon. – I haven’t spoken to her or seen her since. I do not know what I want. I think she would only cause me more pain. I shared every day of the last four months with her, my clothes, my jewelry, my baby! I don’t understand how he could do that to me and still live with me. I have to talk to him since we have a baby together, but it’s gotten to a point where I can’t talk about anything outside of the baby anymore. He is too painful for me and I don’t feel like anything he says is true. Who is this man? How could he do this to me? And lie to my face? He says that he has never been more sure of how much he loves me and how much he needs to change. This is the real wake-up call he needs. If I can give him a chance, our family can be complete. Our daughter can have a two-parent home! He can rebuild trust, if I let him. He said that I am taking this to the extreme and that this is a forgivable action. He is not attracted to her. They didn’t have sex! He claims they didn’t even kiss. So I really should find it in my heart to forgive his mistakes and know that he is human. He claims that 70% of infidelity results in a stronger marital bond after it is repaired. It’s like he just blew up my life and he’s standing there with the grenade in his hand begging me to fix everything. Can someone explain to me what is going on here? Why would he rape me in such a massive way and then beg for me? She had to know that his choices would lead to this. – Obviously I love this man. I built a family with him. I wish there was an undo button. I wish there was a way to get our life back together. I don’t want my desires to cloud my judgment. Please help me understand why he would do such a cruel thing to me. And act like you can’t live without me? Is anything he says true? Who is the real version?

TL; DR My husband had a 24-hour appointment with our live-in nanny while I was out of town. They were together until 5 in the morning! They went to a show, on a scooter, from bar to bar and even took photos together in a photo booth. He spent $1,000 during their weekend together and repeatedly lied to my face about what they did. As a result we are separated, both he and she moved, we lost childcare, we lost our new home we were about to close including 30k. He blew up our entire life. However, he is so upset. He is constantly crying and asking for forgiveness. Why is he gassing me so much? Can someone give me the outside view and tell me what the play is here? Why don’t you let me go easily at this point? I had to know this wasn’t going to be okay with me. What is the point of this game? – Together 8 years, married for 5. After several miscarriages, we have our rainbow baby! She is 11 months old and she is perfect! We have had all of the expected relationship challenges that come with new parenthood. I would certainly say we were in a slump, but we’ve been through slumps before. This seemed like it would be much more rewarding as it is our first parenting hurdle together. I had a much needed trip planned to visit my best friend. She lives out of state, near my husband’s hometown, so it was going to be a quick trip. Friday afternoon to Monday morning. I had to run back to tour our new house. We only have two weeks left to close our new build! I don’t hear from my husband most of the weekend, which is common but strange now that we have a baby and I’m traveling alone with her. I text her Sunday morning and ask how her weekend was. He says that he and the babysitter went to a comedy show on Saturday night. And I’m like, “you two? Only? That’s weird.” He replies, “She’s the babysitter!” “You know her!” “Come on!” “She lives with us!” “You two hang out all the time!” “No nothing happened!” “You’ve let her drink before at family gatherings” Obviously this is all weird to me. I confront him directly and he turns off his phone. Completely out until the next day! Until Monday morning. At this point, I don’t know what’s going on, but I know enough I tell him my flight leaves that afternoon and he’d better be gone by the time I get home He asks what we’re going to do about babysitting and says she’s upset. “Nothing happened!” Again I tell him he doesn’t need to be home when I get there. He says she’s sad but he understands. She writes these fake apology notes saying she shouldn’t have hung out without me and unbeknownst to me. She hopes we can continue to grow in happiness. My husband says nothing happened with the babysitter! They had a few pas, they went to a comedy show and returned to the house. I’m so sorry I didn’t see it from my perspective! We do the tour. I wake up the next morning and nothing feels right. I check our bank account and discover that they spent over $1,000 the weekend I was away. Multiple trips to the liquor store, an Uber downtown and back, the comedy show I knew…and then 7 bars on 6th Street! “7 bars?!!?!!” “I told you we had a few drinks. No one goes on a comedy show and comes straight home. I told you we were late home on Uber. Nothing happened.” “You told me you had a few drinks! Why would I infer that means going from bar to bar for hours with an underage girl? Why would I infer that?” Which makes me think of the times, I go back to our bank account and see that they went downtown for the first comedy show, they toured the city on scooters, they went to the aforementioned 7 bars, including a dueling piano bar and a game bar. They also paid for a photo booth. How romantic! THEN they order an Uber delivery at 4:38 AM. The bars here close at 2! They order their first Uber at 4:38 AM and then they cancel it and pay the $5 fee. Their cancellation address is directly outside a hotel. Then they walk a few blocks and call another Uber at 5:13 AM. Again, the bars close at 2 AM. He still claims that they were innocently waiting on the street. They just couldn’t get an Uber! After being confronted with direct evidence of his lies, he continued to lie to my face for more than 30 hours. He told me the truth little by little, he told me a little truth at the same time. The truth is that I am currently in yours q You didn’t think of it as a date! Hears! We spend every weekend with her! It’s not a big deal for him to take a 19-year-old by himself and on scooters and from bar to bar. It wasn’t until the end of the night that they started flirting. Then there was a light holding of the hand. He grabbed her hip and his arm. And he rested his head on his lap while he waited in the street. At that time, he gallantly told her that he couldn’t go any further. And he would be honorably sitting in the front seat of the Uber and not in the back with her. They then return to our house and sleep on opposite sides of the couch. (My brother-in-law found them) They wake up the next morning, he sends me a short text, then turns off his phone. They order pizza together and decide they won’t tell me; after all, nothing happened. They then spend the day recovering together. Even order a rental movie on my Amazon. – I haven’t spoken to her or seen her since. I do not know what I want. I think she would only cause me more pain. I shared every day of the last four months with her, my clothes, my jewelry, my baby! I don’t understand how he could do that to me and still live with me. I have to talk to him since we have a baby together, but it’s gotten to a point where I can’t talk about anything outside of the baby anymore. He is too painful for me and I don’t feel like anything he says is true. Who is this man? How could he do this to me? And lie to my face? He says that he has never been more sure of how much he loves me and how much he needs to change. This is the real wake-up call he needs. If I can give him a chance, our family can be complete. Our daughter can have a two-parent home! He can rebuild trust, if I let him. He said that I am taking this to the extreme and that this is a forgivable action. He is not attracted to her. They didn’t have sex! He claims they didn’t even kiss. So I really should find it in my heart to forgive his mistakes and know that he is human. He claims that 70% of infidelity results in a stronger marital bond after it is repaired. It’s like he just blew up my life and he’s standing there with the grenade in his hand begging me to fix everything. Can someone explain to me what is going on here? Why would he rape me in such a massive way and then beg for me? She had to know that his choices would lead to this. – Obviously I love this man. I built a family with him. I wish there was an undo button. I wish there was a way to get our life back together. I don’t want my desires to cloud my judgment. Please help me understand why he would do such a cruel thing to me. And act like you can’t live without me? Is anything he says true? Who is the real version?

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