I recently heard from a wife who had pressured her husband about how he “really” felt about her. She felt that she needed to ask this question because she couldn’t help but notice how dead things had felt between them or how they tended to ignore each other, outside of her children.
So the wife did not expect her husband to declare his undying and passionate love for her, but she was surprised by what he actually said. She declared quite naturally (without much emotion) that she would always love her because she was the mother of her children and that it would always bring them together, but, she said, he didn’t love her the way he loved her. . he used to her and that he certainly didn’t love being with her.
The wife felt as if she had been slapped. She did not expect that statement. She knew that things hadn’t been so good in the marriage lately, but if her husband had asked her the same question, she would definitely have replied that she still loved him and wished they could stop being sad and ignore each other. other. She wanted things to be like before, before she had children. That said, I wouldn’t trade her children for the world.
The strange irony in all this was that the children had, in many ways, brought them closer. But in many ways, this was what required so much of their time that they had begun to drift apart as a couple. The wife wanted to recover this “couple time and closeness”. But, now, knowing that her husband didn’t really love her like she should, she wanted to know if it was too late. I didn’t think it was. I’ll tell you why in the next article.
Don’t Let Your Husband’s Word Stop You From Getting What You Really Wanted: The danger in this whole situation, of course, was that the wife would back down because of the husband’s choice of words. Those words were very unfortunate and there was no way to take it back. And, the wife was really beginning to think about this and to risk that these thoughts would prevent her from moving forward.
Even though he knew the words had hurt her very deeply, he wanted her to put this into perspective. It was quite possible that her husband was just as tired and frustrated as she was. It is quite possible that she did not really mean those words. It is very possible that she has sought the value of surprise to try to reject any reaction or change. She really had no way of knowing what he really felt, but she did know that he had promised to love her as the mother of her children. And though she didn’t realize it, this IS something. Because a lot of men don’t even concede that when they get to this point. She could use this as a starting point and work from there.
Going from parents to lovers: It seemed that both husband and wife agreed that they had a completely different marriage before becoming parents. This is very common. I doubt that many parents can honestly say that they have as much time together as they used to. This is just the reality of caring for another person who depends primarily on you. And most of the time, both husband and wife agree to this because they love their children as much as they love their spouse.
But few people expect or are prepared for the change that often occurs as a result. We are so busy talking and taking care of our children and functioning as a family that we forget to function as a couple. Many parents will resist reprioritizing because they fear that their children are being taken away from them or that they are being selfish. What they ultimately don’t understand is that one of the best gifts you can give your children is happy parents and the security that comes from a loving and committed family.
Not only this, but you are giving your children the gift of seeing what healthy marital priorities look like. I told this wife to ask herself if she wanted her daughter to grow up and to think that she should be placed low on the list of priorities. Did he want her son to be resentful and surly like her father? Showing your children how to focus on both marriage and family will help them have a happy and fulfilling marriage, which is ultimately what we want for our children.
These are nice words, but it can be challenging to put them into practice in everyday life, especially when your husband has told you that he doesn’t love you the way he should. It was unrealistic to think that things would get passionate again overnight. But, the wife herself knew that the husband was not going anywhere in the immediate future. He had a reasonably captive audience. So she could certainly start to focus on spending more time with him. She could listen and laugh more, she could schedule only one outing a week where it was just the two of them, and she could remember those things and experiences that brought them together in the first place and try to bring them back even on a small scale.
I wanted her to stick with the things she could stand behind and be genuine about. Making changes that are only going to fade simply disappoints everyone and eventually makes lasting change more difficult because everyone’s expectations have been lowered and denied. It’s much better to focus on one thing, make a habit of it, and then move on to your next goal. Yes, this is more gradual, but it’s also more genuine and lasting, and these are the kind of small changes that can transform a marriage over time.
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