Two Relationship Killers

Consider a primary relationship in your life where you love someone and they love you. This could be an intimate partnership, a parent-child relationship, or a very close friendship. These are the two things to avoid, if you want to make sure that love is present at all times.

Relationship Killer #1:

First of all, you should never expect that because someone loves you, they need to sacrifice for you and put your needs first. We often mistakenly think that the degree to which someone suffers is a testament to the amount of love they have for us. Likewise, we mistakenly believe that if someone puts her needs first, he does not love us. But that is not true at all. If I refuse to sacrifice myself for you, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It just means that I’m clear about what works for me and what doesn’t, and I don’t mess with my own needs. Please don’t take this personally. Nonetheless, I love you, but I certainly don’t have to suffer to prove my love for you. Also, if you doubt it, chances are that no matter how much I suffer, you’ll never believe me anyway. Understand this: Just because your partner is having fun while you’re struggling doesn’t mean they don’t love you. The people who love you do not owe you any suffering on their part when things do not go well for you. So don’t get jealous when your loved one is out with friends while you’re working hard or cooking alone at home. No one needs to put their own life on hold just because yours is (even when they really love you!). Of course, you can ask for support. That is perfectly reasonable. But to ask someone to sacrifice and suffer so that you can feel loved, that is totally unreasonable. And it’s a surefire relationship killer.

Relationship Killer #2:

The other way to end a relationship is to try to prove your love for someone by sacrificing your own needs and suffering as a result. See, whenever you suffer, there is no real love to speak of. If you were doing something for someone because you wanted to and because you loved them unconditionally, you wouldn’t be suffering. But if you sacrifice yourself out of obligation and/or guilt, the unconditional love disappears and you are likely to expect something in return. In other words, you try to manipulate someone into loving you by doing things for them that they then have to pay you for. Unfortunately, you are playing a game thinking that you can control another person’s feelings and buy their love. Of course, the result is quite the opposite: you are slowly but surely killing the relationship. So stop that immediately and start putting yourself and your needs first. Find your own truth and start honoring it. Understand that you are allowed to have a good time without feeling guilty when your partner is unwilling or unable to participate. Of course, you can support them when they feel down. But you don’t have to suffer with them or else you will resent it and kill the relationship as a result.

In conclusion:

  • Love must be free: without attachments, without suffering, without exchange of favors and without feelings of obligation and guilt.
  • Love must be independent: I love you and I put myself first; you love me and you put yourself first; we love each other and yet respect our independent needs.
  • Love must be by choice: I love you how I want to, not how I feel I have to.

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